Growing up, tall, beautiful Birgitta Visser had the deck stacked against her. As a kid, she suffered form a deep sense of inadequacy. Rather than being an asset, her physical aspects worked against her in many ways. As a kid she had been abused. While in school, her father died. Born in the Netherlands, she landed in Indonesia. She was bullied, and when her family moved back to Europe, she was further harassed. Once she was tapped to be a model, it would seem she found an escape from adversity. Instead, she found herself reduced to being objectified and sexualized.
Birgitta first made headlines as a model and was linked with celebs like Johnny Depp, Liam Gallagher of Oasis, and others. She’s been a model, bartender, promo-girl, dog walker, healer, web designer, created her own organic soap line, designed jewellery, taught holistic workshops and worked many jobs in the corporate world. But once she discovered her spiritual side, her life changed.
Now that she’s had her book published, she is on a mission to present her ideas through “BE-com-ing Authentically Me” (Light Warriors Press). Released last August, the book can be found on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or through her site https://www.powersoulhealing.com.
Q: How did growing up in Europe especially the Netherlands prepare for the path you are on now?
BV: I only grew up in Europe for part of my life. At the age of eight, we relocated to Singapore, as my father had been offered a job as an MD in agricultural projects. Having lived in Singapore for a year, and with the company having gone bankrupt, we moved to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where we remained for four years before returning to Holland as the money had run out. In Malaysia, I suffered the abuse at the hands of a family friend, having run-ins with two other figures, a teacher of Bahasa Malay at school and a flasher on the street telling me he knew my father. We moved back to Holland in 1988, and several months later, when I was 14, I lost my dad, who was 44 at the time to coronary heart disease, leaving a gaping hole both financially and emotionally in our family unit.
My mother had to start from scratch, as my father left her with a debt. She had been searching for a job and was called in for an interview with a company in Jakarta right after his passing. My mother had to take care of two teenagers. She herself has been through much in her childhood and adult life, yet she weathered the storms, regardless of what life threw at her. I have the greatest admiration and respect for how she continues to bounce back and how she healed from her many experiences and chose to transform her own life. She worked part-time as a driver for disabled kids, before commencing to work part-time at the ticket offices for the Dutch national rail services.
I didn’t care much for walking around in second-hand clothes and once we had been appointed a council flat with terribly creaking wooden floors. My sister and I shared a room and bunk bed. Moving from Malaysia back to the Netherlands was a cultural shock, and I was bullied at school because I was tall and skinny, had no self-esteem, while also being terrified of boys. My sister has a brilliantly high IQ. I had to study hard to get half decent grades, even having to redo a year in high school. I was a pro at throwing my own home-made lunch out, but would have dinner at the dining room table with my mum none the wiser.
My sister and I always helped out with the chores and made dinner for the three of us prior to our mum coming home. I started working part-time at a department store when I was 15, and my sister at the age of 16, and we would pay rent to our mum, to help her with the monthly bills. She taught us to have responsibility for our own lives in many areas and to have respect for others. My mother has suffered from racial abuse, as she is part Indian/Indonesian, and it is something I’ve never understood. Too many people live from a sense of their ego, forgetting that we are all equal, no matter the color of our skin, religion, or origin. Who cares? Underneath our physical appearance, we’re all light; we’re all cut from the same bark of wood.
Throughout my teens I was very insecure, suffering from low self-esteem and I walked around like the hunchback of Notre Dame, wanting to be invisible as I hated myself and how I looked. Even when my mum put me onto a modeling course to help correct my posture, seeing I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, it didn’t help, I remained as rigid within myself as ever, unable to relinquish my deeply engrained traumatic experiences. It didn’t help that I was asked to model for a hair show, where my long hair was chopped off, with me having a pixie cut. Trust me, I cried buckets as I felt so ugly. I did finally tell my mum at the age of 19 what I had suffered at the hands of our family friend, after all of us watched a show on Oprah Winfrey talking about abuse. Even so, it took many years, and much healing for me to come from a place of hating myself to loving myself more wholesomely.
All the toxicity of these unresolved experiences that I carried from childhood, I henceforth carried into my adulthood and into the few relationships I did have, because one bit of trauma creates another bit of trauma. You are what you experience and yet I chose for the experiences to define me, rather than me taking back my power, snapping out of that victimhood and defining my experiences.
I was a slow arse turtle in learning about life and understanding my experiences, and even though I always soldiered on, working away like a maniac, as that was my escapism, I never bowed down to defeat. I had regimented coping mechanisms in place since a young age, that only became more prominent as I got older.
My experiences in Malaysia and in Holland shaped me in who I once was, into who I am now and am still becoming. I basically lost my childhood to trauma, having to find my way in this world by fixing the entangled broken mess within myself, having constantly allowed fear and shame to condition me. I wouldn’t be who I am today, nor be walking the path I am on now, so I am grateful for all the experiences I went through. Pain is a blessing in disguise; it brings us back to the wonderment of the very breath of our soul. No matter how lost we feel or how severe the abuse we experienced, no one can rescue you from the depths of despair and hopelessness but you.
I believe talking about trauma very openly helps us heal and that by telling my story inspires others, planting that thought for thought seed, in turn helping others in telling their own stories, knowing that they’re not alone. As I always say, becoming a little lighter in ourselves and loving ourselves a bit more is the key to healing on all levels.
Q: What insights or negatives came from modeling that you employ in your practice as a soul empowerment coach now?
BV: The modeling industry was a steep learning curve for me. Many make modeling out to be this glitzy world of glamour and fun, however, that’s all just a façade. Over the years, I have met my fair share of sleazy and two-faced figures in the industry. It’s a very superficial, and fickle world, and in truth more fake than the nail polish used on my nails. The industry can be very degrading, and getting rejected repeatedly was hard. It takes a strong character to remain upright in that cutthroat industry; it’s either that or being consumed by the darkness of it all. Backstabbing is rife, as it is very ego driven, everyone is in competition with one another. Beauty is merely skin deep; our physical appearance does not determine nor define who we are, it’s our inner qualities that do. In this business, you are judged on your looks and body type, having a personality is irrelevant, when in truth real beauty comes from within. You can have a beautiful face and yet be so ugly. One’s reflection cast from within is what reflects and thus shines without.
Castings were a waste of time for me to attend. I felt like a cow at a cattle ranch, waiting for hours in long queues to either be branded by a yay or a nay, with it 99% of the time being the latter. When I was out in Miami, the agency told me that my boobs weren’t big enough for the Miami clientele, whilst they had been aware of my bust size prior to me flying out, and I wasn’t planning on getting breast implants anytime soon. Other times, I was too skinny, and because you constantly get judged on your outer appearance, it dented my self-confidence, and there were many times when I just sat down in my room and cried because I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me; why agencies or clients didn’t like my look and cast me aside like a nobody. I was often compared to the likes of Linda Evangelista, Niki Taylor, Brooke Shields, and Margot Hemingway, which meant there was no place for someone in the market like me.
I have been sexually harassed and abused in the industry. Photographers and stylists, who when adjusting my clothes, would feel my body up far more than necessary. It had a knock-on effect, with me suffering from weight issues because of my lack of self-worth, although that was a theme that ran throughout most of my life, seeing I was abused by a friend of the family as a child. In truth however, I allowed my experiences to dis-empower me. When I was happy, I ate; when I was down in the dumps, my super power was avoiding food, making sure to eat the bare minimum to keep me going, yet it was a pain to get the weight back on. Many models I encountered during that stage of my life lived off salads, coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol.
Over the years, I changed my hair color and style more times than I care to remember, all to feel better about myself, not to mention the many hair shows that buggered me up emotionally. The most notable being Paul Mitchell in New York, who promised me one color, a mere trim, and I walked out a complete circus freak, with short hair and four different hair colors, thinking Edward Scissorhands could have done a far better job. The reflection in the mirror never agreed with my inner self; my soul just wasn’t in alignment with my body because I hated it so much. I hoped that one day someone would come up to me and say, “I like your look,” but that never happened. I was rejected by so many agencies, and, the older I got, the more they rejected me. In New York, the owner of Click wanted to have me on her books, but the head booker refused, stating that, at 27, I was too old. Karen Li at Elite, who wished someone would break the age barrier, wouldn’t take a chance on me.
I have seen models being pimped out, landing in precarious situations in both Milan and Miami. Thankfully that never happened to me, since I was not one for the party scene at the time. The agencies’ performed unethical business practice of incurring high fees and holding back payment, sometimes taking up to a year to compensate the model.Agencies would tell me I owed them money, and as a result, Manique Models in London refused to return my original portfolio, holding it as a bargaining chip. It probably ended up in the bin. If modeling were my only job, I would have lived under a bridge, but wherever I roamed in the world — I’ve moved more times than my age — I made sure to find alternative work, whether it was bartending, being a hostess in a restaurant or merely finding promotional gigs.
Admittedly, I was a timid, messed-up mouse, seemingly a stick on the wall, thinking I was too skinny, ugly, and awkward, as no one wanted to book me or even look at me. Agencies told me to dress less conservatively, and wear more revealing clothes. I had an aversion to that as I didn’t want people to see my bony figure. The industry made me look at myself in such a distorted way, and yet, in the end, it was I who chose to see myself through that distorted lens. I allowed my experiences to condition me, pushing me back into the shadows of someone I was seemingly not, rather than knowing that I’m, like all souls, beautiful and that, regardless of what people said about me, it was more about how they felt about themselves rather than about me. At the time however, I was always afraid what others thought of me and hurting other people, basically losing myself in the maelstrom of my life, whilst the truth is, it doesn’t matter what others think of you, it is important what you think of you. You’re here to understand yourself and to realize your potential and be all that you can be by taking responsibility for all that you create in your life. There is no right or wrong, it is simply the evolution of the cosmic game of life. How you participate and thus contribute to the growth of your own soul through the experiences of life is entirely up to you.
Society and the media culture teach us limitation and dictate that we should live a certain way, and be a certain way, conditioning us to fit into the norm of that created matrix of reality. This constant labeling and ever divisiveness is all a load of crock meant to confuse us, straying from the light of our authentic nature. We should be happy with who we are and live according to the song of our own hearts. How you choose to experience life is entirely up to you. How can we ever be real with ourselves, when we continually allow ourselves to be swayed by the opinions of outer influences and others? I’ve learned that it’s important to always be you – not who the world wants you to be. Never morph into someone other than who you truly are.
This world was not for me nor was it my path to travel, as life is far more than the superficial, barely touching the surface of who I was, and yet these dualities of experiences served as a mere richness in the whole understanding of life and expanding my own awareness. Life is not about living through the ego, but rather seeing it through the humbleness of our created experiences of returning to a far more authentic version of ourselves, by taking responsibility for all our actions.
All people are beautiful; some have merely cloaked their light more than others, having become beautifully broken due to their experiences. But beauty is how we feel inside, reflected in the ripples of how we choose to live our life on the outside. Under all the created layers of the personas we have chosen to become, we are all worthy, let no one tell you otherwise. Sometimes the battles we encounter may not seem fair, but these challenges in this world of polarities, of opposites, give us the opportunity to take back the reins of empowering ourselves, taking responsibility and changing the outcomes of our own lives. We should not compare ourselves to others, or judge others, for those that do, merely judge themselves. See all you encounter in life as reflective teachers, shining light upon what needs healing within ourselves. Rather than deflecting, a little more reflecting will go a long way. We’re all here to learn from another, not compete with one another. Everyone walks their journey, experiencing life at their own pace, and that’s okay. Rather than remaining in our own toxic pond of unhealed experiences, forgive those as we forgive ourselves as much as we should love those as we learn to love ourselves, embracing our own hearts.
We often hoard all these unhealed experiences into the archives of our minds, causing these to burst at the seams, and then we still wonder why we suffer from dis-ease with our lives reflecting as such. Rather than subscribing to more issues, we should unsubscribe and de-clutter the pile of junk of our experiences. What we vibe out is exactly what we vibe right back in, and if we understand that, then we also understand that it is our own energetic distortion that has created this concept of ourselves into this chosen reality – for what we ingest into our subconscious mind is what manifests in our physical reality. Forgiveness is the key to healing our own burdened self and letting our soul fly free to the expansion and understanding of new heights and depths of ourselves we never knew existed. We’ve got to change our thoughts, to change our lives. Life does not get better by magic; it gets better by choice and by doing the work.
Throughout the years, both through my relationships and my healing practice, I have learned that I am not here to fix anyone; everyone needs to fix their own wounded mind and soul. Nor am I here to save anyone, as everyone needs to save themselves. We are each responsible for our own soul growth. At the end of the day, life is merely a return to love, nothing more, nothing less. I’m just a tool in the tool box unlocking the healing potential in others, helping them to empower their own lives, allowing them to return to a far more wholesome version of themselves so that they too can live a more abundant and fulfilled life in all ways.
Q: Are there any eastern disciplines such as zen or other such disciplines influence or are incorporated in what you are doing now?
I don’t incorporate any of the eastern wellness practices, such as acupuncture, Qi Gong, Cupping, etc. What I do incorporate from the east are the Alchemy and Cosmic Sound Bowls for healing infused with Light Language as it works on a soul level and deep cellular level and aids in unclogging stuck energy, physical ailments and other blockages. It’s not always a walk in the park, as it turns you upside down and inside out. If we want to change then we have to “uncondition” the conditioned version of a person we are, rising from the discomfort to the comfort of feeling comfortable in our own skin.
As I have one foot in the corporate world, which is extremely fast paced and one foot in the spiritual realms, in my own daily practice, something I recommend to many people, I incorporate breathing techniques to recenter and refocus myself. In 2007, I stayed in an ashram at the Art of Living Centre in Bangalore, India, which is run by Sri Sri Ravishankar, following the basic and advanced course, where we were taught the art of breathing and how pranayama aids in the alleviation of pain and in a correct running of energy through our body’s meridian points, helping everything to work in harmony and unison as it should.
Prana is the subtle life energy and pranayama (Sanskrit, from prana or “breath” and ayama or “extend/lengthen”), literally meaning “lengthening the breath.” One form of this breath work involves four phases of controlled breathing: inhale, hold in, exhale, and hold out. Sometimes the breath is held or stopped for specific lengths of time. Many of us breathe shallow, which does not allow the body to be fully oxygenated, causing many problems.
The power of yama — extending the breath — is used to dissolve the stuck sense of self, to break through the barrier of our often frustrated will and ego, to renew the life-force. For many ancient civilizations, prana breathing was the essence of survival. It was a way of life, and they had a far better understanding of the workings of the body and the flow of energy throughout. Thousands of years later, much of humanity merely uses the lungs and mouth to breathe superficially. Doing so limits our potential to distribute valuable energy to the molecular structure. When done correctly, prana breathing allows us to move the molecular structure in a different direction and level of understanding—we are in communication with the whole neuro-network of our body. On a subconscious level, we know where the energy needs to travel in order to feel better about ourselves.
Meditation is upgrading your spiritual reception by fine-tuning the antenna. People often think it is a mere form of juju or a waste of time because that is what society has led us to believe, but breath-work helps realign and refocus our thoughts in the here and now.
Meditation, like exercise, is the mental gym to flexing those stiff atomic stagnant particles, moving these from a rigid state, returning to a state of flow; it is the bonding of our soul back to the body. It is a feel-good factor that helps elevate us out of that forlorn state we found ourselves in.
As Gurudev Sri Sri Ravishankar has said, “Breathing and meditation uplift the spirit and bring clarity and strength to the mind. When the mind relaxes, the intellect becomes sharp. A calm and collective mind is not docile; rather it is a source of creativity and dynamism.”
We should stop breathing so shallow, to stop living on the surface and in the shallow waters of ourselves. We have never been taught the importance of the breath and how it can help enhance our own lives. Once we commence with more conscious breathing, we can let go of the carried ‘toxic’ experiences and discomfort that for so long has polluted our minds, in turn gaining an inner calmness, mental clarity and regained focus, whilst replenishing and re-energizing ourselves. A better life truly starts with the art of learning to breathe. Shallow breathing, shallow living or conscious breathing, conscious living? Ultimately the choice is yours.
Q: Though your practice has this strong spiritual dimension how did it affect you physically, even sexually?
BV: My fear and shame labels have dissipated like early morning dew drops under the light and warmth of the healing sun many moons ago, and I am an open book on how becoming more in tune with myself affected me both physically and sexually. Health is the relationship between you and your body. My father always said your body is a temple, treat it as such. It’s not a garbage dump, so treat it accordingly with the love and respect it deserves, for the way you treat your body is a direct reflection of how you treat yourself and those around you.
I have learned to honor my body, easily tuning into its wants and needs. It’s called conscious living, rather than walking around with eyes wide shut. I now exercise several times a week to stay fit, whilst doing simple yoga exercises to strengthen my spine. The truth is I am in the best shape of my life, nor do I look my age. We’ve merely got to learn to take all of life’s experiences with a pinch of salt, letting it all slide like water of a duck’s back, rather than remaining immersed in the created brew of a drama.
Sexually? In truth, while I have healed from my many traumas, and have expanded my consciousness, living in a heightened state of awareness, I honestly don’t care for being with someone. Why would I need someone to complete me when I finally feel whole? People are always so hung up on having a relationship, but the most important relationship we should have first and foremost is with ourselves. Self-love is not selfish, but a necessity. I have been on my own since early 2015, and I am probably a born-again virgin, but I needed to heal the relationship with myself.
I carried a boatload of trauma with me which affected me sexually, so I suffered from vaginismus. Subconsciously, the fear associated with that trauma triggered in my mind blocked the joy of making love. An estimated 11–41% of women have difficulty reaching an orgasm with a partner for many reasons. This can cause low oxytocin (love-hormone) levels, with many women finding sex painful. Society has taught us to be “fearful” of sex, but your sexuality is part of your integrated makeup. It’s the expression of your soul through the vehicle of your body. It’s an outer expression of the inner expressions that make you you. Let’s face it, how can we ever love another, if we can’t even love ourselves? We should ask ourselves if we are truly experiencing an unconditional soul-to-soul love or a conditioned ego-to-ego love steeped in clauses of conditions?
I love my own company; I much prefer it these days. In my younger years, I once yearned for a family, a home, and all the trimmings that come with it. But I’ve long surpassed that desire. I’m merely here to help empower others, returning to the loving wholesomeness of who they most authentically are.
Q: Having been a model — which involves a combination of physicality and visuality — did you find any kind of spirituality in it?
BV: Honestly, I found zero spirituality in it, but the outward superficiality of the industry’s harsh experiences of duality led me on the path of my inward spirituality.
Q: You’re now based in London — was there a reason to choose that city or do you plan on relocating yourself at any time?
I’m exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. For the longest time, I wanted to return to St Petersburg, Florida, where, according to the rules and regulations of the stated laws, I had overstayed my welcome. Due to all the trauma I had been through, having waded into another toxic relationship, it caused me to sink to an all-time low. With my passport about to expire and the Dutch consulate in Miami unable to help me, I sold everything, packed my personal belongings and jetted back with my Floridian dog Myra in tow.
My mum has lived in the UK since 1994, so I returned to this part of the world. I don’t live in the future or the past, but I am where I am today because this is how I chose to continue my journey—by creating myself and building different experiences, and wherever I am meant to go next, I will merely let it all unfold.
I’ve learned that we’re all citizens of the world, and yet we bicker being trapped in this egotistical divisive mindset of believing other nationalities to be lesser or superior than the other. It doesn’t matter what nationality we have, where we’re from, or the color of our skin, we are all delightful soul lights encased in this physical wrapper. Underneath our physical appearance, there’s no difference between any of us, we are all the same in end.
**Tip: Listen to 20-minute guided meditations by David Ji, which can be found on YouTube.