In Which Allah Ponders Whether To Let Me Use His Toilet; And The Blessed Virgin Adds Me To Her Facebook Page

"On a long enough time line the survival rate for everyone drops to zero".
- David Fincher's "Fight Club"

"Our faith is not superstitious".
- A somewhat... surprising... statement from one Father Richard Gibbons.

By Charley Brady

Well, this doesn't happen too often but I will this week be showing my complete admiration for the French. Yes, the French, my new best buddies.

In fact I'm even going to give a rousing cheer in their honour; and with that out of the way then I'll get back to them later.

For the moment I want to talk about separate toilets for those of the Islamic faith. You see, for those in England who have been fighting against the latest attempt at a takeover of their country by the Mad Muslims, it seems as if the Voice of Reason has actually prevailed this week; and for a while there it really didn't look as if would.

Although not widely reported (and there's a surprise, isn't it?) our Islamic friends have been fighting the good fight in order to bring in separate toilet facilities for themselves as opposed to the Western Barbarians who simply wish to dwell in hopefully hygienic conditions for a few moments on a seated toilet bowl while doing what Nature intended all of us to do.

Not good enough! According to Allah, we should all be squatting over a hole in the ground and to that end the craven lackeys of Rochdale City Council in the Greater Manchester Area of England thought to themselves: "Well, we had best not upset our Muslim friends and so we should give permission for these sink holes to go ahead." What next? A sort of reverse Mississippi in the 'sixties situation where we have "Muslim Only Toilet Facilities" posted in order to keep out any British, Europeans, Irish, Japanese or Americans who are caught short?

Such has been the outcry from the normally placid people of England that Rochdale has had a change of heart. Good; but don't think that this is going to go away.

By the way, I specifically said England as I know the answer that the Mad Mullahs would get if they ever tried to impose this on Scotland or Wales. A swift kick up the "Allah Ahkbars" would be the least of their worries.

Look, it's as simple as this: if they wish to live in medieval times, long before the invention of the chemical flush toilet then that is their prerogative. No one is arguing with that. Let them go and live in a country where they can sit in their own excreta until their heart is content. There are plenty of them. Of course, those countries don't have the welfare system that the West has and they sure as hell don't have the 'bend over backwards to please everybody' attitude that the West has.

What I am arguing about is the undisputed fact that they can't sit down (even in one of their filthy beloved squat holes) for just two minutes and figure out that they were welcomed here but now are even cheesing off their own supporters by their continual crying and whinging.

Why am I going on at length about something that is happening across the Irish Sea? Well, because as I've said before and it's an old one: "If England sneezes we catch the cold". You think that such outrageous demands couldn't take place here? Dear oh dear. Bless your innocence.

Look at a [sorry, editor, almost used the C-word there] preacher like the lawyer-cleric Anjem Choudray. He was annoyed that ex-American Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge had warned that al Qaeda were ready to strike again.

Ireland had already upset the good man of some kind of cloth by threatening to arrest him back in 2007 because he had said that bombing strikes would be indiscriminate. Why he wasn't arrested on the spot is beyond me, but then again in these enlightened times of turning the other cheek on our tormentors, so many things are.

Still, it seems to have put a bee in his stupid-looking beard since. He managed to growl out if his pig ignorant twisted features this week:

"Al Qaeda does not discriminate between military or civilians, between those on the ground at war like Britain and the United States and those who support them like Ireland.

"I do not know exactly what attacks could fall on Ireland, but al Qaeda has carried out many attacks in Europe and these could be looked at if Ireland wants to see what could happen."

Well, thanks for the warning and the threat, you freaking religion-mad nutcase; now why haven't you been arrested? Oh, I forgot; that would be something to do with your human rights, wouldn't it?

You gotta laugh.

Jeez, I ask this again and again: why are we in the West getting softer while these dangerous Koran-bashing clowns are getting tougher by the day? I will also ask THIS again, sounding like a broken record:

When will the so-called moderate Muslims take a firm - and I mean a FIRM - stand against this kind of explosive rhetoric as opposed to the mealy-mouthed platitudes that they continually come out with.

You think that they won't be running the show here in Europe within the next few years? Think again. It could happen.

That's why I say "veils off to the French" this week. Do you think that we in Ireland would ever have the gumption to take the Islamicists aside and say to them "no, you damned well don't have an Allah-given right to wear an all-over cover-up garment in OUR country?

No, we here would have a ten-year discussion about this; at least, the politicians would have if they ever came back from one of their endless holidays.

So the burqa is now banned completely in France and Belgium, with others ready to follow suit. About bloody time.

Needless to say, the likes of Amnesty International (who were great years ago before becoming an international joke) and the Usual Suspects are squealing like stuck pigs about human rights.

Well, it's as simple as this: I don't want to live beside a person who won't show her face, not even her eyes. If this is not a sure sign of the contempt for the society in which you have chosen to live and your isolation from the norms of that society then I don't bloody well know what is.

As human beings we tend to sum each other up probably by taking in the overall face before focusing on the eyes. How can you possibly have a conversation that is in any way on an equal footing if one half of the exchange is conducted with somebody who makes Darth Vader look like an excellent example of sanity?

It's as simple as this and once again bears repeating: you have been welcomed into our society and if you don't care to abide by the rules of that society - just as we would have to do in Saudi Arabia to name but one country - then off you go to where you will be allowed to parade your nonsense. It's not a brainteaser, it's just plain common sense, something that this world is lacking since we bowed down to the tyranny of the Politically Correct Brigade.

So yes, well done France! It's not only correct but it is also brave since because of these goons there is always the implicit and often explicit threat of 'retaliation' from them.

But no one can live their life like that and no one should have to live in fear of the enemy amongst them. Man, that just plain sucks!

We get a different kind of insanity from our own crowd, the Holy Catholic Church. At least we know that they're not going to blow us to smithereens, as they're much too subversive for that. Instead they can actually be quite entertaining in an admittedly unconscious kind of way. Say, for example, every time Pope Bennie opens his gob.

That nearly always adds to the gaiety of the nation as we ponder his latest statement, probably culled from antediluvian times.

This week the biggest laugh I got from the Church was on a pretty good RTE documentary on that smart crackpot Joe Coleman from Dublin.

You may or may not remember me writing about Blessed Joe a while back. He's the self-proclaimed mystic and working class seer who claims to have a direct line to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Yes, he and he alone is privy to when she will put in an appearance that only he can see! Mind you, when I say working-class, well he doesn't actually work or anything like that. He survives on state disability benefits. Still, I quibble.

Joe announces (with what seems to me to be more and more regularity) just when his VBF the BVM is going to be appearing next and along come hundreds and hundreds of gullible eejits who are there - usually at Knock in County Mayo although she also appears in Joe's blessed living room - to witness Joe announcing that he's just witnessed the Virgin Mary announcing something that will be announced on his website apparitions.com sometime in the near future. Did you catch all that? It seems a hell of a round about way for a celestial and all-powerful being to contact her people but what does a heathen like me know?

As for her computer skills, she'll be opening a Facebook next.

Actually, the Church, to give it its due is pretty damned sceptical about this whole circus side-show. Well, as one pundit pointed out it would hardly do if they admitted that there might actually be something in this as even Pope Bennie doesn't have the Blessed Virgin on tap... uh, so to speak. Am I going to Hell for that?

So all in all it was a pretty balanced documentary. What made me laugh however was when up speaks Father Richard Gibbons to defend his remark that the church is "not dependent" on apparitions with the classic: "Our faith is not superstitious."

WHAT? Oh now, come on: I can't be the only person in the country whose jaw hit the ground at this extraordinary statement. "Our faith is not superstitious?"

Let me see, now: the core belief is that a man who has been tortured, mutilated, had a spear thrust through his side and left nailed hand and feet to a tree for three days until he is dead is then put in a tomb, stays there for another few days before he rises from the dead and ascends into Heaven where he is seated at the right hand of his Father, who is himself.

Now I don't know what Father Gibbon's definition of superstition is but I'm pretty sure that I would put that incident well up there.

You know what I would consider a miracle? Meeting Elle McPherson at a party where Elle finds an irresistible urge to hand me her phone number before dragging me off to bed for twelve hours straight.

Now if the Blessed Virgin could just intercede with her Son and arrange that one for me you would see what was left of me hitting the pews again in double quick time. AND the BVM would become MY new VBF.

If Allah the compassionate and all-merciful and his Prophet, Mohammed see fit; and if the Blessed Virgin doesn't take me off her Facebook site in a most drastic way then I hope to see you all again next week.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

By the way, if you go into the above mentioned pages be sure to scroll down - Joe is second although there's more about him as well - and you can read the Lady's important messages. Don't be surprised if even your computer is chortling its screen off at the banality of it all!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net