Joe Kavanagh's Music News

It would be remiss of me to begin this week's column without mentioning the death of Irish radio celebrity Gerry Ryan, who was laid to rest in Dublin, last Thursday (May 6). While the gregarious RTE personality made himself a household name in Ireland, by virtue of his radio talk show, he initially cut his teeth as one of the most innovative music deejays in the country; roots which he had returned to of late. In a career that spanned over three decades, he was responsible for some of the most engaging, controversial and humorous moments ever captured in Irish broadcasting (along with some of the most cringe worthy television shows ever conceived) and his stature in the annals of the Irish entertainment industry is all but assured. His death, at 53-yearsold, leaves an undeniable vacuum in the Irish media, and came as a complete shock to the millions of people whose daily chores were carried out to the backdrop of his dulcet tones each weekday. R.I.P. ...

While it looks like the big winners in British politics look to be the Conservative/Liberal axis, which seems headed for power, the elections have done nothing to garnish the popularity of Simon Cowell - if popularity is even the correct term for a man most people love to hate. The music mogul earned the ire of a section of the public by writing a column in tabloid newspaper The Sun, where he offered his opinion on who people should vote for, coming out strongly on the side of smarmy Conservative leader, David Cameron (a.k.a. Tony Blair II: This Time It's Personable). Many were highly critical of Cowell's attempts to get political, with some pundits predicting that it will even affect ratings for the upcoming series of his TV show, X Factor. In all fairness, if people are casting their vote, based on the word of a man who is about as qualified to talk about politics as I am about the hazards of pearl diving, then they deserve what they get...

Staying on a Cowell-related theme, one of his media creations made news last week, with word that Susan Boyle is being considered for a role in a special 25th anniversary performance of Les Miserables. Boyle exploded onto the scene when she performed Les Miserables track, I Dreamed A Dream, for television show Britain's Got Talent, and claims that she would be honored to be considered for the gig. Considering that she's also rumored to be working with everyone from Lady Gaga to Snoop Dogg and Pope Benedict XVI, in the coming months, this lady is going to have to add astral projection to her lists of talents. After a nervous start, the quirky singer appears to be adjusting to life in the public spotlight, as evidenced by a rather confident interview she recently gave, where she stated: "When I look in the mirror I see that I brush up quite well. It's a bit like a cygnet to a swan. Now, I see a sophisticated lady. Even though the outwardness has changed, inside I'm still the same, but now I'm a bit more refined in some ways." I think she meant 'ugly duckling' because I think that most people would agree that a cygnet is prettier than a swan and, not to be too cruel, but I think maybe she just installed better mirrors...

Now that we've mentioned Lady Gaga; several pairs of the flamboyant singer's underwear went missing while in transit from the US to the UK last week. According to reports, high-end lingerie firm Rigby and Peller, lent the Poker Face singer seven pairs of underwear from their 2010 Autumn/Winter collection, but only three of the sets made it back to Britain, as the courier cannot account for the other pairs. They must be some pretty fancy britches because I've never heard of lending out underwear before. You just know that even as we speak there is some loon somewhere, doing the Buffalo Bill Dance to the strains of Goodbye Horses, telling their reflection in the mirror: "I'd do me." ...

Iggy Pop can add another award to his mantelpiece, after he was voted the celebrity with the "worst face" in a poll last week. The Stooges front man led the poll, conducted by the Good Surgeon Guide, beating out stiff competition from some severely ugly mugs. Several other music industry folk landed in the top ten, which was rounded out as follows: 2. Jodie Marsh, 3. Donatella Versace, 4. David Gest, 5. Cher, 6. Pete Burns, 7. Mickey Rourke, 8. Jackie Stallone, 9. Janice Dickinson, 10. Melanie Griffith. If I were Iggy, I wouldn't be too upset because the very fact that Mick Hucknall fails to appear on the list surely undermines its legitimacy. Hucknall is butt-ugly enough to hold down the top five places all by himself...

In the past, when you heard the words 'Lily Allen' and 'Brazilian', the next words to pop into your mind would usually be 'wardrobe malfunction' and 'paparazzi', but credit where it is due, the outspoken singer is currently on a trek through a section of the Amazon, shooting a documentary, aimed at shedding light on ongoing efforts to save the rainforest. Allen's film will center around the story of the World Wildlife Fund's multimillion dollar eco-project based in the Brazilian state of Acre, which is aimed at saving the fast-shrinking rainforest, while simultaneously showing the tremendous importance of this incredible ecosystem and how it can be harvested without destroying it. As part of her investigation, the Smile singer will even be taken on a tour of the "seringals", where latex is harvested for the production of condoms. Perhaps she can bring Travis Henry and Antonio Cromartie if she ever decides to go back. Although she has gained something of a reputation for being high maintenance, Allen has been living in little more than a mud hut throughout her stay in the Amazon...

In contrast to such asceticism, Scottish singer Sharleen Spiteri recently revealed that she hates Whitney Houston because she once observed the troubled singer engage in diva-like behavior of the highest accord. Speaking in an interview last week, the Texas front woman claimed: "(The word diva is) just another way of saying c***. I remember performing at an awards ceremony with Whitney Houston, and she had to be carried down a flight of stairs. People like that deserve to be slapped. I'm all for a little bit of slapping when there's a really bad attitude. That kind of attitude is just bad manners. Some people confuse a bad attitude with bad manners, but bad manners are just a whole different ball game. You should be, if possible, locked in a cupboard or something. Taught a lesson until you're begging to come out." I think Boy George tried that with someone once and wound up in prison...

Speaking of singers with elevated opinions of their own self worth, Sophie Ellis-Bextor has a novel method of throwing off fans when they approach her: The Murder On The Dancefloor singer told Live magazine: "If I'm not in the mood to be recognized I'll pretend to be French. People have come up to me and asked, 'Are you Sophie Ellis-Bextor?' Usually I'm fine with it but there are days I can't be bothered. So I''ve shrugged and said, 'Non.' Sometimes it works." I'm sure her family are tired of that stunt...

Speaking of evasive maneuvers, Paul McCartney is not beyond a spot of rebuffing when it comes to dealing with his fans. During an interview with the BBC, Macca revealed that he employs several ground rules, when it comes to his adoring public, saying: "The weight of fame can get pretty annoying. But you know what I do now? I have rules, I've finally grown up and I finally realize I've got rights. So people will come up to me in a restaurant and say, 'Can I have your autograph?' and I say, 'I'm really sorry but I don't do that when I'm eating. I hope you understand. I'll shake your hand and I'll talk to you.' Because I'm quite happy to talk to people on a one-to-one human basis, but the minute they turn me into this celebrity I'm pretending not to be for that minute, I sort of say, 'No, I'm not going to do that.' Most, in fact 99.9 per cent of people, are very understanding because they understand privacy." We've learned two things about former Beatles from that little insight. Firstly, Paul McCartney must spend a lot of time speaking with food in his mouth and, secondly, Ringo Starr is still a recalcitrant arrogant git...

Remaining with wrinkly rockers, Mick Jagger caused a commotion last week when he shed some light on the Rolling Stones drug taking ways, during an interview with Absolute Radio. Speaking of their heyday, he announced: "That was a period of time when everyone took loads of drugs, it was very fashionable, but I mean, we did a lot of hard work as well, so it was a bit of a party atmosphere, loads of visitors, you know, there was a lot of drugs floating around, but not everyone was completely out of it all the time and we did a lot of good tracks, you know." Shocking right? Who'd have thought that the Rolling Stones ever took drugs by the look of Keith Richards and Ron Wood? I mean, c'mon now, there was a time when Keith Richards took so many drugs that all you had to do was say his name backwards five times, while walking in an anti-clockwise circle and you would be off your face for a week...

Creepy Irish twins John and Edward Grimes are now hoping to crack America, by becoming the faces of Shake 'n' Vac carpet cleaning powder. The teenaged Dubliners have apparently recorded a hip hop version of the iconic Shake 'n' Vac commercial tune: "You do the Shake 'n' Vac to put the freshness back", and the brothers are convinced that it will be their ticket to the big time in the wake of them being dropped by Sony Records. There are just so many things wrong with that sentence that my mind kind of threw some kind of trip switch there for a second, so I'm going to have to get off this subject quickly. The brothers announced last week: "When we were younger we would use this stuff - we used to clean the stairs. We had five dogs and we would let them in the house and it would smell bad and then we would use Shake 'n' Vac and it would make the carpet smell nice." Given how weird they are, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the two of them were doing lines of stuff. The ref from Jack Dempsey's 'Long Count' must be keeping time on Jedward's 15 minutes because they are the embodiment of the sarcastic line about spending a year with someone one weekend...

While Liam Gallagher has become inversely louder since the demise of Oasis, older brother Noel, has retained something of a dignified silence since the band's breakup, preferring to keep his own council on most matters over the past few months. He did make a brief return to the spotlight last week, but only in relation to his beloved Manchester City Football Club, who narrowly missed out on a place in next year's Champions League, after a crushing defeat to London club, Tottenham Hotspur. Gallagher counts himself as such a fervent football supporter, that he revealed he and partner Sarah MacDonald, intend to name their soon-to-be-born son, Carlos Gallagher, as a tribute to Manchester City's indefatigable Argentinian striker, Carlos Tevez. I don't know about you but Carlos Gallagher sounds like the punch line to that joke about the guy who ends up sitting beside a stunningly beautiful woman on an airplane, who tells him that in studying for her thesis, she has discovered that contrary to popular belief, Spanish men are actually the most well-endowed, while Irish men in fact make the best lovers, before turning to ask him his name.