The Ding-Dongs Merrily Are High...

With apologies and appreciation to the late William S. Burroughs for stealing the idea for his wonderful and sardonic monologue on "Thanksgiving Day"...(available on YouTube).

By Charley Brady

Thank You Lord, for the Budget that has further decimated this country.

Thank you Fianna Fail, for once again going after the unemployed and the ill.

Thank You Lord for sending us a Finance Minister who has the bravery to wear hair that is not just a wig anymore but is now painted pure black. Certainly black as pitch is in keeping with the way in which he has once and for all really let loose by imposing cuts on child welfare, the unemployed who are already pinned to their collars and the carers who have the unenviable position of looking after their elders while, in many cases documented, this is by people who themselves are ill.

Thanks You Lord for giving Him the power to bail out the bankers and the developers.

I cringed as did Brian Lenihan when listening to a woman on the radio yesterday who is so frustrated by this awful government's "couldn't care less " attitude the day after this savage Budget when she said to him: "What do you want me to do? Just shoot my mother? Would that make it easier for you?"

Thank You Lord for giving the idiots in this country who found that because the price of alcohol was lowered decided then that it must be a great budget.

Thank You Lord for the amount of suicides that will now occur among those who simply can't face another Christmas in Hell.

At least Bertie Ahern - now flying the globe and telling us how great Dubai is doing when any sane person sees that it is going down the tubes - should be happy. I don't mind repeating myself when it comes to this self-aggrandising creep of a man: he is the one who told those of us who had doubts about the economy several years ago to just go off "and commit suicide".

Thanks a lot for him, even though in America you still seem to be taking him to your hearts. You'll learn

Many thanks to Noel Gorman of County Offaly who wrote this interesting letter to the "Irish Independent" this week and it deserves to be quoted in full:

"People are right when they suggest that a lot of lessons can be learned form the Murphy Report

"They list a lot of what can be learned, but they miss a very important fact.

"It is the disregard for Church teaching by priests and others that has resulted in the abuse of children. An abuse that has to stop.

"The Church's teaching on sexual matters were never more important than now. Especially in the area of homosexuality, given that most abuse was of a homosexual nature.

"With this in mind, all of Christian Catholics must make sure that the civil partnership deal is defeated, and that politicians that support it don't get re-elected.

"Increased attendance to daily Mass will give us the wisdom and strength to put things right as we pray for the victims and sinners."

Many thanks, Lord; without You and Your divine wisdom I would never have guessed that homosexuality equals paedophilia. You and your servant Noel Gorman have set me right.

Without You I would have just had him down as a narrow-minded homophobic bigot who had insulted homosexuals who would never dream of touching a child. Now thanks to Your wisdom I know better.

Thanks a lot Lord for giving us Your representative on Earth who has to wait and ponder and hope that it will go away, the Murphy Report.

Herr Bennie finally got around this morning as I write this to admitting that he's a wee bit upset at the findings. In fact he was so upset that it took him more than a fortnight and even then he couldn't apologise for the wickedness of his followers and representatives

He was so upset that he gave our bishops who were flown over to the mad city-state (no doubt first-class - we poor sinners don't do anything by half) a whole 90 minutes in order to discuss barbarism and horror the likes of which can scarcely be imagined.

And thanks a lot Lord for Father Con McGillicuddy who reckons that it is the fault of Satan and that these poor priests were indeed led astray by the Wicked One.

I'm afraid that up until now when You showed me the error of my ways by pointing McGillicuddy in my direction I would have just thought that it was the actions of bad, bad, bastards.

Some people are just plain bad; it's as simple as that.

Satan no more exists than You do.

As a matter of fact the old adage: "The greatest trick that the Devil ever pulled was when he convinced the world that he didn't exist", would read better as: "The greatest trick that Mankind ever played on itself was that God exists.

However, a sincere thanks for our Green Party. As regular readers of this column will know I certainly didn't need any convincing that this bunch of alternative hippy flakes - perpetually whining about the environment and heat efficient light bulbs when they could instead have been standing up to their masters in the Fianna Fail party to whom they long ago sold out to - really threw a wobbly this week.

First we had their creepy leader John Gormley (or as he is affectionately known here, John Gormless) announcing on the eve of our crippling Budget that he has swung a nice budget for himself in the form of ?125,000 in order to count Ireland's FROG population.

At first I had the surreal notion that he intended to send out a lot of little frog-sized census forms so that the little creatures could fill them in by way of cute little froggy language. But no: the trodden upon taxpayer is coughing up for 70 surveyors to do a two-year study to check out their numbers and distribution.

This is important stuff, you know.

Then we have Paul Gogarty, rapidly becoming known as a man who is as mad as a box of frogs himself yelling at the chief whip of the Labour Party, Emmit Stagg in the Dail Chambers yesterday: F*** you, Deputy Stagg, f*** you!"

Well, he is after all the Greens' spokesman on Education so I guess we could all learn a thing or two from this good upstanding Green, especially on how to turn the air Blue.

Then again, he has had a few things to say in the past. Explaining why he had thrown himself onto the floor and screamed a hissy fit last year he said that it was because: "I just kinda fell on the floor in absolute puzzlement. She [Frances Fitzgerald had been stopping the big cry-baby from getting his hands on the microphone] always brings out that reaction in me. Hypocrisy and false indignation has a damaging effect on my psyche."

Oh dear. Obviously.

My personal favourite, however, must be when he explained that he felt that coalition with his Fianna Fail masters was the same as "lying b******* naked and being screwed by Fianna Fail."

What a funny guy and obviously a fine and fit representative. Way to go, Paul!

The ding-dongs merrily are high!

Well, that's it from me for another year.

I'll wish you all a very merry Christmas (not Happy Holidays or any of that nonsense - Christmas). Admittedly the Hallelujah Choir who are playing two dates in Dublin have cut all reference to Christmas from their set this year but apart from appeasing a bunch of Muslims who find it a "sensitive" decision this is - or was, the last time I checked - still a Catholic country.

May your God or whatever you believe see you safely through into 2010 and I hope to see you all again then.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net